Today's the day when I first gave Israel-senpai a crocheted wristband.
I remember writing in my journal that we were, " Wristband Buddies ", which pretty much is elementary now that I think about it. Haha.
My goal today is to deliver this wristband to him, if we can see each other, that is.
[ Morning ]
The toast my mother was toasting sprang up from the toaster and landed on the floor. It was as though the toast was trying to escape its destined fate.
[At school]
Greeted Crystal-chan, Janus-chan, Christine-chan, and Han-kun.
Christine had poofy hair today and she tried to cover it by pulling her hood over her head.
I assured her that it'll go down eventually (no worries!) > u <
I later met up with Han and walked to class. I told him that I got an anxiety attack again, probably due to the fact I had something to tell Israel-senpai after school yesterday,
but I couldn't really find the right time (so I told him on Facebook).
I bade farewell to Han when I reached my classroom door, he went off to the classroom next door to mine.
Outside of the classroom, waiting for Mister Guven, Carlos-kun showed me a song called ," Rack City ".
Elijah-kun started nicknaming me, " Rack City ", and spreading a lie that I liked Rack City.
How very annoying, but I knew that he was only fooling around.
[1rst pd]
We picked up a copy of The Joy Luck Club and did some SSR. I fetched a book for Carlos-kun, Johnathan-kun, and Octavio-kun. Elijah then asked me to get a book for him. I refused at first, because he called me, " Rack City ". When he offered to stop calling me that, I then got a book for him. :D
[2nd pd]
We went over the warm up/ ' Do Now ', then read about chromosomes and mitosis.
While we were reading about the X and Y chromosomes, Mister Castanos said that boys have it more stressful than girls on their monthly periods, because males have to make sperm. Then he asks some of the male students in the class what they're doing. He pauses. Then answers for them,
" Making sperm. "
Then he asks some of the female students what they were doing. Again he answers for them,
" Dropping an egg. "
lol wut.
[Brunch]
Hung out with Micheal and Judy-chan. We discussed the code red drill that will occur on Tuesday next week.
[3rd pd]
We had a speaker from the military talk to us about career pathways that can be opened up by joining the army and taking 3-year (the least) courses.
When he left, the class came to its usual chatter at the last 20 minutes of class.
[4th pd]
Copied down key terms, then copied down notes as Mister Herning read them aloud.
[Lunch]
Hung out with Han and Micheal, later greeted Crystal-chan, Colleen-chan,and Judy-chan.
Judy-chan and I talked about our days and such, it was fun.
[5th pd]
Warm up, notes, workbook work---done.
[6th pd]
Walked the track with Diane-senpai. I later met up with Crystal-chan and Carolina-chan after the 25 minutes of walking. I'm glad to hear that both of their days were okay.
[After school]
On my way over to Ms.Sabado's class, I met up with Han. He asked me if I was going to wait for Israel. I said that I was. He told me not to wait for him, since I was unsure if he would or would not come.
Though I felt certain that I was going to be forgotten by him.
" Its okay, since I'm used to waiting. Its almost like a.."
" A habit? "
" Not really, more like a hobby! I'm like adjusted to it or something! "
Han told me to take care, he could tell that my health has been degrading since I've had two anxiety attacks already and my body hasn't shown much of a recovery.
I cleaned Ms.Sabado's classroom for about 14 minutes. At 3:15pm, I sat outside on the bench.
The wind roared like a thunderstorm on a clear day. Yet, it felt calm, it felt like jumping from the highest cloud in the sky and soaring through the atmosphere, with the air brushing your cheeks.
The deciduous tree to my left has lost a majority of its leaves, leaving most of its unfaltering red berries, but they will too, fall like the leaves later on.
As I sat, I grinned against the wind, thinking about Kathy's message this morning.
She told me not to ever call myself a fucktard again and to think about the brightness like my friends around me, rather slowly fall back into the darkness again. I smiled from ear to ear about the thought of her advice.
' That's right, I happy, to have such great friends. I'm really happy. It doesn't hurt any more . '
The wind caressed my body and kissed my hands.
Past 4:30pm the wind starts to lash about. I sat and wrote in my journal, cowering whenever a big wave loomed against me. I could feel my health degrading. I waited.
At 4:59pm, Trian came over to me and lightly poked my back. I greeted her with a smile.
We talked about our classes,our days, and the fussy wind. It was an enjoyable moment.
At 5:10pm, I left for home, the sky was getting dimmer.
The Chesire Cat's moon grinned at me.
The moon looked like it was going to laugh at me for waiting.
Waiting for a person who forgot about me.
It was like it wanted to pity me if it had a voice,
" Oh you silly little girl! You wasted two hours of your life to degrade your health, now look at you! You were forgotten, admit it! You were rejected, haha! HAHAHA! "
I smiled, confused and happy. Confused about feeling sad, upset about my position.
I guess I deserved it, let's leave it at that? I deserved to be forgotten, then its not his fault. That thought saddened me.
[ Home at last ]
I came home and apologized to my worried mother, who scolded at me for a second or two.
" I waited for someone who never came. "
I went upstairs and took a shower, the hot water relieving my frozen-stiff body. Ooh yes.
I turned to the cold water to close my pores, dried, got dressed and went downstairs to check my e-mail.
Only to see that my sister had posted something on my Facebook wall.
Blogging about things and things..
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
11/29/2011 - My Day - Cold Shower Ecstasy
[ Morning - At Home ]
I awoke from a clear dream that faded away the moment I woke. Augh, I totally am not fond of that happening.
I'm feeling much better, more confident, now that I got some rest.
* I had a minor anxiety attack yesterday*
[At School]
I greeted Janus-chan, Crystal-chan, and Colleen-chan. Israel-senpai was there too, but I didn't really want to greet him. Janus-chan and I talked about our days and how Micheal has been annoying her recently.
Janus-chan later left for class, Han-kun and I met up and walked to class. I told him that I got an anxiety attack yesterday, due to the fact I must've absorbed something after school with Israel-senpai.
[1rst pd]
We read the first few pages and made active reading comments on the book, The Joy Luck Club.
The book so far is okay, just not as hot as Lord of the Flies.
[2nd pd]
DNA quiz. After that, we read through an article about a man who was murdered at his work place.
The murder had a problematic mutation in his DNA that runs through the family tree. The murder had also committed other crimes, such as rape and he also confesses of his crime. We went over the questions and debated whether the murder should be executed, locked up, have a DNA test taken to see if he really has that genetic mutation (costing $1000), ect.
Mister Castanos asked me to read and answer question # 5.
" How do genetics relate to all of this? "
" Its in his DNA, it can't be helped. "
" What should we do with him, Tammy? "
" Well, I wouldn't choose to execute him, even though he killed someone. We're all human after all and there's darkness within us all. "
" Then, what should we do with him? Lock him up? "
" No, we shouldn't lock him up--what's the benefit in that(?) "
" He killed and raped someone. He's a rapist. A RAPIST! "
" Then we should hear what he thinks! What he wants! " , I exclaimed.
People stared, bug-eyed at me, some grinning.
My cheeks were dashed pink and I was grinning at my remarks and at the scene.
" Love it. Thank you for your time and have fun for the rest of your day. "
The bell rang for brunch.
[Brunch]
David-senpai complimented that I did a good job on the debate. I thanked him. He also said that he had also noticed that I've been open lately. That is because I fought the darkness within me.
I'm happy.
I spent the majority of the time writing in my journal.
[3rd pd]
Wrote a summary on the film in class. I finished my summary early, so I drew myself with my elbows on my lap, hands cupping my cheeks, great wings folded to the side of my posture.
Next to this drawing, I wrote in one of my quotes, " I'm not an angel, I'm only human after all. "
Since this was on the same page with my summary in the class-journal, I ended up turning it in.
Back at my seat, I looked over to see read my teacher's expression over my drawing.
She looked calm to see the angelic drawing, yet complected.
[4th pd]
Textbook work.
[ Lunch ]
I held the door for the students in 4th pd to pass by, before letting myself go meet up with the others by the C-building. I hung out with Colleen-chan, Crystal-chan, and Judy-chan.
I spent the majority of the time writing in my journal.
[5th pd]
Warm up, notes, and workbook work.
[6th pd]
Sat in the gym today. As Carolina-chan read through my journal, I doodled in my geometry notebook.
[After school]
I congratulated Carolina on fight off the virus, I'm glad she's feeling better today, much better than yesterday.
n___n
I cleaned up Ms.Sabado's classroom for 10 minutes.
[3:15pm]
Sat on the usual bench. The deciduous tree to my left is slowly/quickly losing its leaves, same goes for the ginko trees on campus.
[3:30pm]
Alvana-chan and Israel-senpai arrived.
+ 1 anxiety attack.
I fell back into that vision again, it was not fun, but I managed.
I stayed silent for the majority of the time.
When they departed (leaving there bags on / by the bench),
Israel-senpai being chased by his rapist-schoolmates, Alvana-chan in observation mode,
I was then left with 3.5 minutes to relieve my anxiety by curling my upper-body over my lap and making a silent scream.
Haa--AHHHHHHHHH!
Was how I screamed inside.
I'm not locked within myself anymore, not trapped in a room, not caged either.
I'm in an open atmosphere. If I scream in it, I scream in it. If I'm in pain, then I'm in pain.
Scars tore up on my arms, like on my cracking fingertips in real life.
Hey..what are you thinking right now? What are you going to do? What are you feeling?
These thoughts floated invisibly around me.
Outside, I gripped my solar plexus as though I was bleeding.
It was convenient to hear Israel speak about how it would feel to be wounded by a bullet at this point in time. I could have laughed like a madman right there and then, but I'm poorly-humored.
'Nothing' ,was what I thought, but I did not feel nothing. I was feeling negativity.
I was feeling negativity from the anxiety attack(?) --no.
What was I going to do--I wondered what I could do.
Its entropy, that's it. Yeah, that's it. This'll go away eventually.
Takumi sighed at my side.
Israel-senpai returned, questioned my condition.
I evaded to tell him, the vision made a minor shock wave flash in my head.
" I'm okay, there's just something on my mind,that's all. "
[4:16pm]
Israel-senpai decides its time for him to probably get going.
It is not that time interval where there isn't enough time to say a proper farewell.
I switched personalities, Takumi took over.
I got up, slung my bag over my shoulder and left with hurried steps.
[4:17-4:18]
The sunset was of a golden glow in the distance, it was warm through the cracks of the chilly atmosphere.
My ribs pressed to my lungs. I made it to the front door and switched back to Takusu.
' You didn't have to do that Takumi, leaving without a farewell..'
I saw it. I saw how Takumi had her back towards Israel when she left. Deja vu?
' I couldn't stand you torturing yourself, you idiot fuckass. Get inside, NOW. ', Takumi replied.
Indoors, I took a shower.
The hot water scorched my body. I switched it over to warm water. Once I was cleansed from soap,
I turned to the ice cold water. I clenched my body and looked up. The cold water padded my hair.
I rotated 360 degrees in the cold water, getting all parts of my body stricken by it all.
I bent over and let out an erotic cry when it lashed at my back like a whip. One more back lash, and I was done.
I made a trod downstairs to place my dirty clothes in the laundry room, then had some dinner.
An hour later, punishment exercises for being a weak fucktard.
Five sets of 10-second back-lifting, then a one-minute back lift
(not putting the lifted upper body or legs down). The exercise is similar to the trunk lift ;
30 push-ups and 30 reverse-push-ups ; 50 by 50 side sit-ups and 50 regular sit-ups ; and 10 slow leg-lifts.
It burned, but felt great.
I awoke from a clear dream that faded away the moment I woke. Augh, I totally am not fond of that happening.
I'm feeling much better, more confident, now that I got some rest.
* I had a minor anxiety attack yesterday*
[At School]
I greeted Janus-chan, Crystal-chan, and Colleen-chan. Israel-senpai was there too, but I didn't really want to greet him. Janus-chan and I talked about our days and how Micheal has been annoying her recently.
Janus-chan later left for class, Han-kun and I met up and walked to class. I told him that I got an anxiety attack yesterday, due to the fact I must've absorbed something after school with Israel-senpai.
[1rst pd]
We read the first few pages and made active reading comments on the book, The Joy Luck Club.
The book so far is okay, just not as hot as Lord of the Flies.
[2nd pd]
DNA quiz. After that, we read through an article about a man who was murdered at his work place.
The murder had a problematic mutation in his DNA that runs through the family tree. The murder had also committed other crimes, such as rape and he also confesses of his crime. We went over the questions and debated whether the murder should be executed, locked up, have a DNA test taken to see if he really has that genetic mutation (costing $1000), ect.
Mister Castanos asked me to read and answer question # 5.
" How do genetics relate to all of this? "
" Its in his DNA, it can't be helped. "
" What should we do with him, Tammy? "
" Well, I wouldn't choose to execute him, even though he killed someone. We're all human after all and there's darkness within us all. "
" Then, what should we do with him? Lock him up? "
" No, we shouldn't lock him up--what's the benefit in that(?) "
" He killed and raped someone. He's a rapist. A RAPIST! "
" Then we should hear what he thinks! What he wants! " , I exclaimed.
People stared, bug-eyed at me, some grinning.
My cheeks were dashed pink and I was grinning at my remarks and at the scene.
" Love it. Thank you for your time and have fun for the rest of your day. "
The bell rang for brunch.
[Brunch]
David-senpai complimented that I did a good job on the debate. I thanked him. He also said that he had also noticed that I've been open lately. That is because I fought the darkness within me.
I'm happy.
I spent the majority of the time writing in my journal.
[3rd pd]
Wrote a summary on the film in class. I finished my summary early, so I drew myself with my elbows on my lap, hands cupping my cheeks, great wings folded to the side of my posture.
Next to this drawing, I wrote in one of my quotes, " I'm not an angel, I'm only human after all. "
Since this was on the same page with my summary in the class-journal, I ended up turning it in.
Back at my seat, I looked over to see read my teacher's expression over my drawing.
She looked calm to see the angelic drawing, yet complected.
[4th pd]
Textbook work.
[ Lunch ]
I held the door for the students in 4th pd to pass by, before letting myself go meet up with the others by the C-building. I hung out with Colleen-chan, Crystal-chan, and Judy-chan.
I spent the majority of the time writing in my journal.
[5th pd]
Warm up, notes, and workbook work.
[6th pd]
Sat in the gym today. As Carolina-chan read through my journal, I doodled in my geometry notebook.
[After school]
I congratulated Carolina on fight off the virus, I'm glad she's feeling better today, much better than yesterday.
n___n
I cleaned up Ms.Sabado's classroom for 10 minutes.
[3:15pm]
Sat on the usual bench. The deciduous tree to my left is slowly/quickly losing its leaves, same goes for the ginko trees on campus.
[3:30pm]
Alvana-chan and Israel-senpai arrived.
+ 1 anxiety attack.
I fell back into that vision again, it was not fun, but I managed.
I stayed silent for the majority of the time.
When they departed (leaving there bags on / by the bench),
Israel-senpai being chased by his rapist-schoolmates, Alvana-chan in observation mode,
I was then left with 3.5 minutes to relieve my anxiety by curling my upper-body over my lap and making a silent scream.
Haa--AHHHHHHHHH!
Was how I screamed inside.
I'm not locked within myself anymore, not trapped in a room, not caged either.
I'm in an open atmosphere. If I scream in it, I scream in it. If I'm in pain, then I'm in pain.
Scars tore up on my arms, like on my cracking fingertips in real life.
Hey..what are you thinking right now? What are you going to do? What are you feeling?
These thoughts floated invisibly around me.
Outside, I gripped my solar plexus as though I was bleeding.
It was convenient to hear Israel speak about how it would feel to be wounded by a bullet at this point in time. I could have laughed like a madman right there and then, but I'm poorly-humored.
'Nothing' ,was what I thought, but I did not feel nothing. I was feeling negativity.
I was feeling negativity from the anxiety attack(?) --no.
What was I going to do--I wondered what I could do.
Its entropy, that's it. Yeah, that's it. This'll go away eventually.
Takumi sighed at my side.
Israel-senpai returned, questioned my condition.
I evaded to tell him, the vision made a minor shock wave flash in my head.
" I'm okay, there's just something on my mind,that's all. "
[4:16pm]
Israel-senpai decides its time for him to probably get going.
It is not that time interval where there isn't enough time to say a proper farewell.
I switched personalities, Takumi took over.
I got up, slung my bag over my shoulder and left with hurried steps.
[4:17-4:18]
The sunset was of a golden glow in the distance, it was warm through the cracks of the chilly atmosphere.
My ribs pressed to my lungs. I made it to the front door and switched back to Takusu.
' You didn't have to do that Takumi, leaving without a farewell..'
I saw it. I saw how Takumi had her back towards Israel when she left. Deja vu?
' I couldn't stand you torturing yourself, you idiot fuckass. Get inside, NOW. ', Takumi replied.
Indoors, I took a shower.
The hot water scorched my body. I switched it over to warm water. Once I was cleansed from soap,
I turned to the ice cold water. I clenched my body and looked up. The cold water padded my hair.
I rotated 360 degrees in the cold water, getting all parts of my body stricken by it all.
I bent over and let out an erotic cry when it lashed at my back like a whip. One more back lash, and I was done.
I made a trod downstairs to place my dirty clothes in the laundry room, then had some dinner.
An hour later, punishment exercises for being a weak fucktard.
Five sets of 10-second back-lifting, then a one-minute back lift
(not putting the lifted upper body or legs down). The exercise is similar to the trunk lift ;
30 push-ups and 30 reverse-push-ups ; 50 by 50 side sit-ups and 50 regular sit-ups ; and 10 slow leg-lifts.
It burned, but felt great.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
That Pumpkin-looking fruit that grew on Trees
I remember, during the beginning of my freshman year, I was sitting around up against a pole during lunch when a girl approached me. I befriended her.
Her name was Ranyka.
We had the same English, math, and science class together.
I moved quite a bit during lunch, until I settled to a grass spot in front of the C-building.
I like being in close contact with nature, I'm kinda like a plant myself.
One day, Ranyka-chan brought along David-senpai.
We hung out together in that grass-area day after day, it was fun, really..it was.
On another day, Israel-senpai hung out with us. Along with another person, I believe it was Francisco.
Ranyka shared her fruity-lunch with us, it was delicious,
because somehow (in which I will not question),
food tastes better when you eat it together with the ones you love.
Among the fruits, there were persimmons. There was a dilemma of what they were called.
" It looks kinda like a pumpkin that grows on trees..", I pondered.
Israel-senpai and David-senpai knew the word in Spanish, but not in English.
" Guys, its persimmons. That's what I've been telling you o__o ", Ranyka said.
Her name was Ranyka.
We had the same English, math, and science class together.
I moved quite a bit during lunch, until I settled to a grass spot in front of the C-building.
I like being in close contact with nature, I'm kinda like a plant myself.
One day, Ranyka-chan brought along David-senpai.
We hung out together in that grass-area day after day, it was fun, really..it was.
On another day, Israel-senpai hung out with us. Along with another person, I believe it was Francisco.
Ranyka shared her fruity-lunch with us, it was delicious,
because somehow (in which I will not question),
food tastes better when you eat it together with the ones you love.
Among the fruits, there were persimmons. There was a dilemma of what they were called.
" It looks kinda like a pumpkin that grows on trees..", I pondered.
Israel-senpai and David-senpai knew the word in Spanish, but not in English.
" Guys, its persimmons. That's what I've been telling you o__o ", Ranyka said.
Those were really fun times. I wonder what everyone else thinks now.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Denpa teki na kanojo -- Ochibana Ame Screenshots
Since I couldn't find any good wallpapers, I took some screenshots of Ochibana Ame!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
The Delirious Chamber
There are three parts of myself that I would like to clarify :
Takusu : * I refer to myself as this *
This is the part of me that I mainly use in reality.
The one who gets hurt, been hurt, and such.
I am the one who writes in the journals.
If I am destroyed, then the next 'me' will be next in charge, but nothing will be the same.
Takumi : (alter-ego, split-self, the other side of the coin)
Together with I (Takusu) and Takumi are one. Takumi serves as a back-up for me (Takusu).
Darkness (yandere type) :
[Definition of yandere here : http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Yandere ]
I've just recently met her. She in which is known to me as the darkness within my heart. Described as psychotic and murderous, she is what my negativity has become.
[ Here's the main thing that happened ]
Somewhere within my mental world, I was dragged down to a dark corridor with very dim lighting.
The walls were smeared with black and a deep blood red. This is the place where I killed myself over and over.
It looked like this (bad photoshop art, but I tried my best) :
Why am I here?
...
No. It can't be.
I was thrown into one of the chambers. In the back corner was my freshmen year self, wrists chained to the wall. She was beaten up, her life receding. I took no mind in her.
I peered through the small window on the door, only to see my psychotic (yandere) self, wielding a knife.
" Get me out of here. "
" I'll kill you later, right know I have business to take care of "
" Business? ", I said under my breath. I got a vision of her grinning in the darkness as bodies of corpses are piled up. I recognized those corpses, even though they were face-smashed, decapitated or covered in blood.
They were my loved ones.
"No-!"
She let out a wicked laugh, " That's right--that inevitable future where everyone is killed. I will kill everyone, then I'll kill you. "
She started walking away from the door.
" Wait-! ", I clenched the iron bars of the window.
Takumi stopped her, jumping out from the shadows and forcing her back in front of my door.
Their weapons clinked together, gritting their teeth.
" Takumi... "
" Takusu, what do you want to do? What is your wish? Will you allow her to kill everyone off? "
" I-- "
The yandere me made eye contact, " I am the darkness within you, envy, jealousy, hatred, pain. I am you. You cannot escape. "
Stop it. This isn't what I want. I've killed myself too many times already.
" I want to become stronger, in order to protect the ones I love. In order to protect everyone! "
Takumi and Darkness sprang aback. The door to my chamber collapsed and I fell on my knees.
I got up,
" That's right, I want to protect everyone!
Kathy-chan, Julie-san, Israel-senpai, Colleen-chan, Judy-chan (too many to list)--
EVERYONE! I will not kill. I will stand up no matter what to protect everyone.
I will stay strong no matter what! "
" What about ******? "
" I will not kill anyone, I will befriend them. I will protect them. "
The corridor rumbled. I fell back, Takumi caught me, " Takusu... "
The corridor was dispersing into a blank plane. Darkness took both of her hands over mine and smiled,
" I guess this is goodbye ", she was dispersing with the corridor, " You know, you'll die in the end, right? "
" I know. "
It'll be my ' Happy End ' .
Her hands disappeared from mine, the last thing I saw was her smile. A weight had been lifted from my chest.
I joined hands with Takumi. Together, we are one.
This is how it'll be from now on, I'll try to change the inevitable future that is to come.
[ Back in reality / the present world ]
This great flame of energy singed in my right hand, then throughout my entire body. It was positive energy.
Takusu : * I refer to myself as this *
This is the part of me that I mainly use in reality.
The one who gets hurt, been hurt, and such.
I am the one who writes in the journals.
If I am destroyed, then the next 'me' will be next in charge, but nothing will be the same.
Takumi : (alter-ego, split-self, the other side of the coin)
Together with I (Takusu) and Takumi are one. Takumi serves as a back-up for me (Takusu).
Darkness (yandere type) :
[Definition of yandere here : http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Yandere ]
I've just recently met her. She in which is known to me as the darkness within my heart. Described as psychotic and murderous, she is what my negativity has become.
[ Here's the main thing that happened ]
Somewhere within my mental world, I was dragged down to a dark corridor with very dim lighting.
The walls were smeared with black and a deep blood red. This is the place where I killed myself over and over.
It looked like this (bad photoshop art, but I tried my best) :
Why am I here?
...
No. It can't be.
I was thrown into one of the chambers. In the back corner was my freshmen year self, wrists chained to the wall. She was beaten up, her life receding. I took no mind in her.
I peered through the small window on the door, only to see my psychotic (yandere) self, wielding a knife.
" Get me out of here. "
" I'll kill you later, right know I have business to take care of "
" Business? ", I said under my breath. I got a vision of her grinning in the darkness as bodies of corpses are piled up. I recognized those corpses, even though they were face-smashed, decapitated or covered in blood.
They were my loved ones.
"No-!"
She let out a wicked laugh, " That's right--that inevitable future where everyone is killed. I will kill everyone, then I'll kill you. "
She started walking away from the door.
" Wait-! ", I clenched the iron bars of the window.
Takumi stopped her, jumping out from the shadows and forcing her back in front of my door.
Their weapons clinked together, gritting their teeth.
" Takumi... "
" Takusu, what do you want to do? What is your wish? Will you allow her to kill everyone off? "
" I-- "
The yandere me made eye contact, " I am the darkness within you, envy, jealousy, hatred, pain. I am you. You cannot escape. "
Stop it. This isn't what I want. I've killed myself too many times already.
" I want to become stronger, in order to protect the ones I love. In order to protect everyone! "
Takumi and Darkness sprang aback. The door to my chamber collapsed and I fell on my knees.
I got up,
" That's right, I want to protect everyone!
Kathy-chan, Julie-san, Israel-senpai, Colleen-chan, Judy-chan (too many to list)--
EVERYONE! I will not kill. I will stand up no matter what to protect everyone.
I will stay strong no matter what! "
" What about ******? "
" I will not kill anyone, I will befriend them. I will protect them. "
The corridor rumbled. I fell back, Takumi caught me, " Takusu... "
The corridor was dispersing into a blank plane. Darkness took both of her hands over mine and smiled,
" I guess this is goodbye ", she was dispersing with the corridor, " You know, you'll die in the end, right? "
" I know. "
It'll be my ' Happy End ' .
Her hands disappeared from mine, the last thing I saw was her smile. A weight had been lifted from my chest.
I joined hands with Takumi. Together, we are one.
This is how it'll be from now on, I'll try to change the inevitable future that is to come.
[ Back in reality / the present world ]
This great flame of energy singed in my right hand, then throughout my entire body. It was positive energy.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
11/22/2011 - My day
[Morning, at home]
I encountered a spider, whom I tried to pick up, using a piece of paper,
but he scurried away under the refrigerator. ;__;
[Morning, at school]
I greeted Janus-chan and we talked about our days. Israel-senpai later came by. I told him about my recent vision, including the meaning of it. He frowned at the words of my vision.
" I've been having this vision recently..that you're strangling me. It represents that I'm denying a vital aspect of myself. "
I accepted his apology ( for the fact that he didn't see me after school the other day ), but also mentioned
he shouldn't be sorry for having me wait all the time. I mean--waiting isn't all that bad. I get to enjoy the nature around me.
I guess that left me still having the 'bullet wound'
he probably isn't very convinced that I forgave him.
Note: about the 'bullet wound' - it isn't literally a bullet wound,
but when he apologized about not showing up yesterday,
I replied, " There's nothing to be sorry about! "
" You always say that.. "
What he said gave me a bullet wound. He probably thinks I'm lying--
about me not feeling hurt after things after things. [End Note]
I later greeted Han-kun and Colleen-chan. Han and I talked about what we were up to in our English classes and Jenny-senpai's concern of her health.
[1rst pd]
I spent the majority of the time writing in my journal. The vision of Israel-senpai strangling me is gone, but I can still see myself with the mark of his hands on my neck. It'll go away sooner or later.
I gave Mister Guven an origami boat. He commented that he could use it to sail away somewhere. Haha xD
[2nd pd]
Mister Castanos went around the room asking everyone's opinion on what the biggest problem in the world is. People had interesting responses : economy, war, taxes, inflation, global warming, ect.
In the late beginning, a student was sent out to wait outside, because he didn't want to remove his hood. About 20 minutes later, someone reminds Mister Castanos that the student was still outside LOL.
He then tells the student that he could keep his hood on from now on. XD
[Brunch]
Talked with Micheal for a minute, ate my sandwich, then cleaned up Ms.Sabado's classroom.
[3rd pd]
We wrote down what ticks us off, then disposed of the paper. I simply wrote down, " Rudeness. "
The purpose of the activity was to get it out of the system. Afterwords, the class made popcorn.
I just sat there and drew myself as a personified Taurus.
Before heading off to 4th pd, I organized the chairs in the room.
Mrs.Haertling approached me, feeling that she barely got a chance to speak with me. She asked how things were going, I replied that everything was going alright. She assumed that me having a mellow day isn't so bad. I agreed and told her how yesterday went.
Her voice came to a concerned tone, but I assured her that things will go on alright.
On my way to class, I felt my guts being compressed from the side.
I don't want people feeling concerned about me, I don't like having people worry about me very much.
Too see even my teachers worry, makes me feel kinda terrible.
More like, I'm just not used to all of this.
I feel sick, there really is something mentally wrong here, something I just gotta say to that guy..
but time just won't let me say it. Hah...I feel sick, but I mustn't think about it.
[4th pd]
I concentrated on studying my flash cards before we began the quiz.
[Lunch]
Hung out with Colleen-chan, Crystal-chan, and Judy-chan. I had Colleen skim/ read through my journal as Judy and I talked about our classes and plans for the holiday. Judy shared some M&M's chocolates with me, it was sweet of her. [:
I taped the wrapper in my journal as a memory hehe! x]
[5th pd]
We watched the film, " Air Force One ". It was semi-interesting.
When Ms.Sabado turned off the lights and closed the door,
it was nearly pitch black in the classroom (which I found awesome).
She kept a little lamp on in the far left of the room, which provided such perfect lighting, that it made me feel relaxed (which I found even more awesome, since I like dim lighting).
[6th pd]
We sat in the gym today, I spent the time analyzing my biology worksheets as Carolina read my journal.
[After school]
Bade Carolina-chan and Crystal-chan a wonderful weekend/ holiday, then went over to Ms.Sabado's classroom. Ms.Sabado gave me some organic fruit punch (juice pouch)
and Mrs. Shika (pronounced 'Nike') offered me some chocolate European biscuit cookies (I took one and it was delicious).
[3:07pm]
Sat on the bench, spending the majority of the time writing in my journal.
There's been an increase of the scattering of leaves on the concrete. The deciduous tree to my left is beginning to turn from mostly green to mostly red and golden yellow, its wondrous, like the clouds streaked upon the clear sky.
[3:30pm]
I looked up to the deciduous tree to see a little sparrow plucking and dropping some unwanted leaves from the tree.
'Little Miss Tidy Bird', I smiled at the title.
The little sparrows started playing tag and singing joyous songs among the branches.
It was then quiet, 'til 4:21pm, the sparrows began to sing again.
[4:24pm]
The twinkling of setting sunlight began,then receded at 4:26pm.
[4:32pm]
The twinkling of sunlight glowed once more, receding at 4:36pm.
Such distant sunlight, yet its warm..
sounds like my friendship and love. Woe is me.
[4:43pm]
Meditated before heading home at 4:45pm.
On the way home, I thought to myself,
" Today wasn't such a bad day...I received juice from my teacher, so its all good!
Wait--WTF. I'm such a little kid, getting excited over juice. Oh--I kid myself. "
I giggled under the setting, scarlet blue&pink sky.
My body is numbed cold, yet I feel so warm and maddening.
I encountered a spider, whom I tried to pick up, using a piece of paper,
but he scurried away under the refrigerator. ;__;
[Morning, at school]
I greeted Janus-chan and we talked about our days. Israel-senpai later came by. I told him about my recent vision, including the meaning of it. He frowned at the words of my vision.
" I've been having this vision recently..that you're strangling me. It represents that I'm denying a vital aspect of myself. "
I accepted his apology ( for the fact that he didn't see me after school the other day ), but also mentioned
he shouldn't be sorry for having me wait all the time. I mean--waiting isn't all that bad. I get to enjoy the nature around me.
I guess that left me still having the 'bullet wound'
he probably isn't very convinced that I forgave him.
Note: about the 'bullet wound' - it isn't literally a bullet wound,
but when he apologized about not showing up yesterday,
I replied, " There's nothing to be sorry about! "
" You always say that.. "
What he said gave me a bullet wound. He probably thinks I'm lying--
about me not feeling hurt after things after things. [End Note]
I later greeted Han-kun and Colleen-chan. Han and I talked about what we were up to in our English classes and Jenny-senpai's concern of her health.
[1rst pd]
I spent the majority of the time writing in my journal. The vision of Israel-senpai strangling me is gone, but I can still see myself with the mark of his hands on my neck. It'll go away sooner or later.
I gave Mister Guven an origami boat. He commented that he could use it to sail away somewhere. Haha xD
[2nd pd]
Mister Castanos went around the room asking everyone's opinion on what the biggest problem in the world is. People had interesting responses : economy, war, taxes, inflation, global warming, ect.
In the late beginning, a student was sent out to wait outside, because he didn't want to remove his hood. About 20 minutes later, someone reminds Mister Castanos that the student was still outside LOL.
He then tells the student that he could keep his hood on from now on. XD
[Brunch]
Talked with Micheal for a minute, ate my sandwich, then cleaned up Ms.Sabado's classroom.
[3rd pd]
We wrote down what ticks us off, then disposed of the paper. I simply wrote down, " Rudeness. "
The purpose of the activity was to get it out of the system. Afterwords, the class made popcorn.
I just sat there and drew myself as a personified Taurus.
Before heading off to 4th pd, I organized the chairs in the room.
Mrs.Haertling approached me, feeling that she barely got a chance to speak with me. She asked how things were going, I replied that everything was going alright. She assumed that me having a mellow day isn't so bad. I agreed and told her how yesterday went.
Her voice came to a concerned tone, but I assured her that things will go on alright.
On my way to class, I felt my guts being compressed from the side.
I don't want people feeling concerned about me, I don't like having people worry about me very much.
Too see even my teachers worry, makes me feel kinda terrible.
More like, I'm just not used to all of this.
I feel sick, there really is something mentally wrong here, something I just gotta say to that guy..
but time just won't let me say it. Hah...I feel sick, but I mustn't think about it.
[4th pd]
I concentrated on studying my flash cards before we began the quiz.
[Lunch]
Hung out with Colleen-chan, Crystal-chan, and Judy-chan. I had Colleen skim/ read through my journal as Judy and I talked about our classes and plans for the holiday. Judy shared some M&M's chocolates with me, it was sweet of her. [:
I taped the wrapper in my journal as a memory hehe! x]
[5th pd]
We watched the film, " Air Force One ". It was semi-interesting.
When Ms.Sabado turned off the lights and closed the door,
it was nearly pitch black in the classroom (which I found awesome).
She kept a little lamp on in the far left of the room, which provided such perfect lighting, that it made me feel relaxed (which I found even more awesome, since I like dim lighting).
[6th pd]
We sat in the gym today, I spent the time analyzing my biology worksheets as Carolina read my journal.
[After school]
Bade Carolina-chan and Crystal-chan a wonderful weekend/ holiday, then went over to Ms.Sabado's classroom. Ms.Sabado gave me some organic fruit punch (juice pouch)
and Mrs. Shika (pronounced 'Nike') offered me some chocolate European biscuit cookies (I took one and it was delicious).
[3:07pm]
Sat on the bench, spending the majority of the time writing in my journal.
There's been an increase of the scattering of leaves on the concrete. The deciduous tree to my left is beginning to turn from mostly green to mostly red and golden yellow, its wondrous, like the clouds streaked upon the clear sky.
[3:30pm]
I looked up to the deciduous tree to see a little sparrow plucking and dropping some unwanted leaves from the tree.
'Little Miss Tidy Bird', I smiled at the title.
The little sparrows started playing tag and singing joyous songs among the branches.
It was then quiet, 'til 4:21pm, the sparrows began to sing again.
[4:24pm]
The twinkling of setting sunlight began,then receded at 4:26pm.
[4:32pm]
The twinkling of sunlight glowed once more, receding at 4:36pm.
Such distant sunlight, yet its warm..
sounds like my friendship and love. Woe is me.
[4:43pm]
Meditated before heading home at 4:45pm.
On the way home, I thought to myself,
" Today wasn't such a bad day...I received juice from my teacher, so its all good!
Wait--WTF. I'm such a little kid, getting excited over juice. Oh--I kid myself. "
I giggled under the setting, scarlet blue&pink sky.
My body is numbed cold, yet I feel so warm and maddening.
Monday, November 21, 2011
11/21/2011 - After school
I went to go get help from Mister Seeberger on my Protein Synthesis homework. We talked about picture books, his kids' artwork on the cork board, and a little bit about the old television set.
I then went to Ms. Sabado's classroom at about 3:12pm. After cleaning, I sat outside at 3:22pm.
I met up with Mr. Seeberger, who was on his way out of the 100th building.
He told me about the mistake in his acting course on Saturday.
' To get your eyes teary', his friend advised, ' Put a (cut) lemon to your eyes (not on it) '
The director got frustrated at this and lectured Mister Seeberger for taking this amateur advice.
" Don't think, just do it ", was what the director told Mister Seeberger.
We agreed that what he said was Jedi-like thing. XD
Mister Seeberger left at about 3:30pm.
Not long after he left, Ly and her boyfriend came by. We chatted a little bit, then they left to the school library.
I spent the majority of the time writing in my journal, meditating in between.
At 4:23pm, the setting sun beamed and twinkled through the cracks between tree leaves and fence openings.
It was amazing.
The sky was sponged by passing clouds, it made the dim reflection on the windows of the 2-story building in front of me appear mysteriously wondrous.
At 4:54pm, all nature stood still, as though time had stopped-- there was no wind nor breeze, just the chilled afternoon air. Not even the leaves on the trees bellowed. All felt the silence, but the roaring of industrious cars.
At 4:58pm, the clouds were puffy and grey, rising up and up.
At 5pm, the sky was getting dimmer, it was now the tone of an old photo.
At 5:02pm - met up with Trian-chan.
" What are you doing here so late? "
"Because of tennis practice--why are you here so late?"
" I'm waiting for someone ", that statement I made struck my tongue.
Trian went to go sit at the bench facing the parking lot.
At 5:08pm - the deciduous tree to my left starts dropping its leaves.
" Even the tree seems to be telling me to go home. "
I closed my eyes and meditated, until I heard the voice of the tree.
" Go home! Go home, its dangerous here! "
It could be playing tricks on me, it could not, but I did as I was told and went home.
Of campus, the grey clouds were fluffy and spread out enough for me to see a great setting sky. The light ahead cast shadows dark enough to make figures ahead look like silhouettes.
I smiled despite my hopes of seeing him today.
Inside, I can hear myself cowering and screaming, " Usotsuki (Liar), Usotsuki..... "
I strangled myself to get things straight, my job is not to think such things, like I said before,
" I will do my best. "
Each and everyday, I told myself that and sometimes--the day would end like the end.
Sometimes, I wished it was the end, but not anymore.
Oh, he said, " See you tomorrow! "
Do I still have the right to call him a " liar "?
No. Of course not, because I said the same thing back. That makes me the liar, the cursed one, the idiot.
Whatever, its all good now.
Outside, I looked ahead and smiled.
Home at last, the first thing I hear from my mother in a disgruntled tone,
" You come home late all of the time. "
My eyes did the sighing for me.
" I'm sorry. I was waiting for someone who never came. "
I unlaced my ragged footwear and tore off my socks.
Cold feet, great.
I then went to Ms. Sabado's classroom at about 3:12pm. After cleaning, I sat outside at 3:22pm.
I met up with Mr. Seeberger, who was on his way out of the 100th building.
He told me about the mistake in his acting course on Saturday.
' To get your eyes teary', his friend advised, ' Put a (cut) lemon to your eyes (not on it) '
The director got frustrated at this and lectured Mister Seeberger for taking this amateur advice.
" Don't think, just do it ", was what the director told Mister Seeberger.
We agreed that what he said was Jedi-like thing. XD
Mister Seeberger left at about 3:30pm.
Not long after he left, Ly and her boyfriend came by. We chatted a little bit, then they left to the school library.
I spent the majority of the time writing in my journal, meditating in between.
At 4:23pm, the setting sun beamed and twinkled through the cracks between tree leaves and fence openings.
It was amazing.
The sky was sponged by passing clouds, it made the dim reflection on the windows of the 2-story building in front of me appear mysteriously wondrous.
At 4:54pm, all nature stood still, as though time had stopped-- there was no wind nor breeze, just the chilled afternoon air. Not even the leaves on the trees bellowed. All felt the silence, but the roaring of industrious cars.
At 4:58pm, the clouds were puffy and grey, rising up and up.
At 5pm, the sky was getting dimmer, it was now the tone of an old photo.
At 5:02pm - met up with Trian-chan.
" What are you doing here so late? "
"Because of tennis practice--why are you here so late?"
" I'm waiting for someone ", that statement I made struck my tongue.
Trian went to go sit at the bench facing the parking lot.
At 5:08pm - the deciduous tree to my left starts dropping its leaves.
" Even the tree seems to be telling me to go home. "
I closed my eyes and meditated, until I heard the voice of the tree.
" Go home! Go home, its dangerous here! "
It could be playing tricks on me, it could not, but I did as I was told and went home.
Of campus, the grey clouds were fluffy and spread out enough for me to see a great setting sky. The light ahead cast shadows dark enough to make figures ahead look like silhouettes.
I smiled despite my hopes of seeing him today.
Inside, I can hear myself cowering and screaming, " Usotsuki (Liar), Usotsuki..... "
I strangled myself to get things straight, my job is not to think such things, like I said before,
" I will do my best. "
Each and everyday, I told myself that and sometimes--the day would end like the end.
Sometimes, I wished it was the end, but not anymore.
Oh, he said, " See you tomorrow! "
Do I still have the right to call him a " liar "?
No. Of course not, because I said the same thing back. That makes me the liar, the cursed one, the idiot.
Whatever, its all good now.
Outside, I looked ahead and smiled.
Home at last, the first thing I hear from my mother in a disgruntled tone,
" You come home late all of the time. "
My eyes did the sighing for me.
" I'm sorry. I was waiting for someone who never came. "
I unlaced my ragged footwear and tore off my socks.
Cold feet, great.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
11/20/2011 - Collage in my journal!
I didn't quite feel like writing my final draft for my essay on whether true human nature is good or bad.
Instead, I felt artsy! So, I did a little collage in my journal using the its and bits of things in the house.
I dug in the newspaper and cut out words, picked up a few fabric scraps, construction paper extras, and a little doodle that was on one of my old graded assignments (i.e. that book thingy at the top of the page).
Friday, November 18, 2011
11/18/2011 - After School
I went over to Ms.Sabado's classroom and cleaned up for about 10 minutes before going outside.
It was sprinkling, so I couldn't do much; I sat and meditated.
Before my meditation, I saw a hummingbird flutter amongst the leafy bush in front of me. It had brilliant green feathers and a violet red crest on its breast. He was a gorgeous bird. I wondered if the nectar he collected was that sweet; sweet enough to be consumed or sweet enough to live off of.
[Meditation] Form of meditation : hearing, focusing on the sounds around me.
I listened to the chirping of the sparrows, the song of the wind, the rustling and dropping of leaves from the restless trees, and the industrious waves from the streets surrounding school campus.
[2:20pm]
Ly had me take a picture of her and her boyfriend embraced together under the deciduous tree to my left. I was welcomed to be of cameraman service~heehee~! XD
[2:53pm]
Jenny, Kim and her friends came by. Jenny gave me some gummy candies and a Deanza college bag.
Before they left, Ly (who was nearby on the bench across from me to the far right) asked,
" You're leaving already?! "
Kim replied, " Go hang out with your girlfriend! " (referring to her boyfriend) xD
[3:25pm] Wait time 2hours and 10minutes
Israel-senpai came by with one of his buddies. We greeted one another. I clammed up, closed my eyes and meditated in their presence. A minute later, we bade farewell.
" I just came by to say 'Hi' ", he said.
He's making a fool out of me. I tasted bitter sadness.
When their backs were turned, I bent my head between my legs and clutched my internal organs together.
[3:40pm]
When I saw that they were long gone-- I decided to go home.
" Come, I'll sing you a lullaby", my other half spoke.
I dried my tears. I walked with great lonesome steps. Kim dispersed my thoughts for three seconds, Jenny wished me good luck on my way home. I left them with a farewell and continued on.
The light rain pelted me as I walked.
[Home at Last]
I greeted my sister and stripped in the laundry room. I dressed in a white tank top and a pair of pajama shorts.
" Its not summer ", she said.
Have I gone mad?
" I do what I want ", I grinned and jokingly replied.
I have gone mad.
It was sprinkling, so I couldn't do much; I sat and meditated.
Before my meditation, I saw a hummingbird flutter amongst the leafy bush in front of me. It had brilliant green feathers and a violet red crest on its breast. He was a gorgeous bird. I wondered if the nectar he collected was that sweet; sweet enough to be consumed or sweet enough to live off of.
[Meditation] Form of meditation : hearing, focusing on the sounds around me.
I listened to the chirping of the sparrows, the song of the wind, the rustling and dropping of leaves from the restless trees, and the industrious waves from the streets surrounding school campus.
[2:20pm]
Ly had me take a picture of her and her boyfriend embraced together under the deciduous tree to my left. I was welcomed to be of cameraman service~heehee~! XD
[2:53pm]
Jenny, Kim and her friends came by. Jenny gave me some gummy candies and a Deanza college bag.
Before they left, Ly (who was nearby on the bench across from me to the far right) asked,
" You're leaving already?! "
Kim replied, " Go hang out with your girlfriend! " (referring to her boyfriend) xD
[3:25pm] Wait time 2hours and 10minutes
Israel-senpai came by with one of his buddies. We greeted one another. I clammed up, closed my eyes and meditated in their presence. A minute later, we bade farewell.
" I just came by to say 'Hi' ", he said.
He's making a fool out of me. I tasted bitter sadness.
When their backs were turned, I bent my head between my legs and clutched my internal organs together.
[3:40pm]
When I saw that they were long gone-- I decided to go home.
" Come, I'll sing you a lullaby", my other half spoke.
I dried my tears. I walked with great lonesome steps. Kim dispersed my thoughts for three seconds, Jenny wished me good luck on my way home. I left them with a farewell and continued on.
The light rain pelted me as I walked.
[Home at Last]
I greeted my sister and stripped in the laundry room. I dressed in a white tank top and a pair of pajama shorts.
" Its not summer ", she said.
Have I gone mad?
" I do what I want ", I grinned and jokingly replied.
I have gone mad.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Gingerbread houses in November
My utterly best friend,Kathy / Kookie-chan came over on Saturday and we made gingerbread houses together! :D
Friday, November 11, 2011
11/11/2011 - My Dinner and Jacket
Rice fried with zucchinis, tiny tomatoes, chicken breast, and mushrooms. Plus, a red bell pepper stuffed with cheese and chicken breast. Cooked by my sister, Julie
~(o u o)~
~(o u o)~
11/11/2011 - Biology homework
Vocaloid pairings parodying the base pairs of DNA :
thymine & adenine, guanine & cytosine.
There is a 'T' on Miku's tie, an 'A' Kaito's blazer, a 'G' on Rin's shirt, and a 'C' on Len's tie.
thymine & adenine, guanine & cytosine.
There is a 'T' on Miku's tie, an 'A' Kaito's blazer, a 'G' on Rin's shirt, and a 'C' on Len's tie.
In order to demonstrate, or draw a picture of how all of the duplication that occurs in DNA replication, for question #6, I drew Naruto's doppelgangers.
11/11/2011 - Happy Birthday Robin!
Happy Birthday, Robin! :D
May all of your wishes come true today :3
Also, Happy November 11,2011 everyone!
(11/11/11)
Thursday, November 10, 2011
11/10/2011 - My Day
[ Morning ]
I spent the majority of the time recording yesterday's journal entry. At about 6:50AM, Israel-senpai messaged me just to say, " good morning ". We chatted a little bit, before I logged off I said,
" Israel-senpai, daisuki! "
Then translated it, " Daisuki - I like you "
He replied with a "
".
[ At School ]
I greeted my friends, chatted before heading off to class.
[ 1rst pd ]
Read a bit into chapter 12, i.e. the last chapter of the book, Lord of the Flies. After that, the class played a bit of Scattegories, where as I continued to read.
[2nd pd]
Quiz on DNA replication. At the last 10 minutes of class, when every one had turned in their quiz, my teacher decided that it was story time. He had a student turn of one set of lights.
He told the story of a 100% non-violent man who suddenly one day goes up on top of a clock tower and shoots down 16 random people. Reason was that the cause of his madness was because of a tumor, resulted from cancer, that was caused by DNA replication gone wrong.
[Brunch]
Jenny came by. We talked a little bit.
" How's you and that guy you like? ", she asked.
I spotted Israel-senpai and replied back to Jenny,
"Its okay, just..-eh! "
Israel came over and Jenny left.
He came to tell me that he couldn't meet up with me after school due to practice and a check-in to the hospital. " I knew it! " , I fake-grinned and he frowned. But, it was okay since I was seeing him at the moment, knowing that I'd be missing him for the rest of the day.
We discussed about his dream, mainly revolving around mecha, technology, and Hatsune Miku.
Then we dropped to the main issue.
" I want you to do me a favor...I want you to stop putting yourself down."
I lamely argued back (which irritated him), but agreed (solution).
[passing bell to 3rd]
We hugged.
" I really..missed you."
" I missed you too."
Details : I pressed my body up against his, my chin rested against his shoulder.
We pulled away, bade farewell.
In the hallway, I turned around...
...called his name,
" Israel-senpai!",and said, " I love you. "
" I know you do", he replied, " I love you too "
I know you know
" 'I know you do' --- you said that last year! So rude! "
(referring to the time when I said, "I love you" and he simply responded with, " I know you do. ")
"Wha-- so, it just means that I know that you love me too."
"Whatever!Hmph!", I jokingly grinned back and walked to class.
[3rd pd]
Spent the time writing in my journal.
[4th pd]
Spent the time doing textbook work.
[Lunch]
Spent the time chatting with Han and Judy about the art of gymnastics, ballet, and ect. We also talked about dietary things-- like becoming a vegetarian.
Speaking of which, I received a few cookies from Judy, yay ^ u ^.
[Passing bell to 5th]
I walked too fast while kinda zoning out, which resulted in me tripping on a crack and scarping my knees. I immediately got up, " I gotta get to class", I got up, collected myself and dashed to class.
There wasn't a band aid suited for my left bleeding knee (the other was just scratched), so I pulled out a napkin from my bag and pressed it against my somewhat bloody knee.
[5th pd]
I worked with the napkin pressed down upon my left knee. Awesomely, I got my work done; plus, the bleeding stopped about 7 minutes into class. I was ready, with my stinging knees to walk in PE later.
Christine told me to get well soon :3
[6th pd]
Cross-country walk lap : first we walked behind the tennis court, around half of a field outside the track, around a fifth of the perimeter of the baseball field,and 2 laps on the track. I met up with Crystal-chan and Carolina-chan at the 2nd role call after our lap was done.
On our way back to the gym, I told Carolina about my habit of putting myself down, thinking from a narrow point of view, so narrow that I can't even see the good qualities of myself.
She told me, " Don't think like that, you're a very kind and caring person. OK, look-- you give stuff-gifts, origami to teachers, you say 'hello' to nearly everyone. You're a very special person."
I bobbed my head to her words. " Exactly the same things, Israel-senpai said."
...Scary.
I thanked her for the advice, glad to have her by my side.
In the gym, she read my journal (volume 12) as I wrote in volume 13.
[After school]
Cleaned up Ms.Sabado's classroom, she asked me if I had seen Israel yet and talked to him about the tutoring. I replied,
"Yep, he told me that he did the warm up and JUST the warm up today.
Well, that's a head start. I can do all of the work..and all he does is the warm up! Haha!"
She also told me that he had an 'F' in her class, and wishes him to get some help of some sort to raise his grade, ohh--she worries and I thought he had a 'C' or 'C-' of some sort.
After cleaning, I sat outside on a different bench,since there was a couple on the bench I normally sat on.
The air was calm, the sunlight glimmered through the leaves of the tree to my right. It was warm, I smiled at the sound of the chirping sparrows fluttering about. The wind shook hands with my side-bangs.
I left early at 4PM, my scraped knees were stinging with possible infection. Other than going the short way through a building, I went the slight-long way by walking from out of the parking lot to my left. It was only about 65 steps more than the short way. The sun shone brightly up ahead, the sky was utterly clear as evening was approaching.
I spent the majority of the time recording yesterday's journal entry. At about 6:50AM, Israel-senpai messaged me just to say, " good morning ". We chatted a little bit, before I logged off I said,
" Israel-senpai, daisuki! "
Then translated it, " Daisuki - I like you "
He replied with a "
".[ At School ]
I greeted my friends, chatted before heading off to class.
[ 1rst pd ]
Read a bit into chapter 12, i.e. the last chapter of the book, Lord of the Flies. After that, the class played a bit of Scattegories, where as I continued to read.
[2nd pd]
Quiz on DNA replication. At the last 10 minutes of class, when every one had turned in their quiz, my teacher decided that it was story time. He had a student turn of one set of lights.
He told the story of a 100% non-violent man who suddenly one day goes up on top of a clock tower and shoots down 16 random people. Reason was that the cause of his madness was because of a tumor, resulted from cancer, that was caused by DNA replication gone wrong.
[Brunch]
Jenny came by. We talked a little bit.
" How's you and that guy you like? ", she asked.
I spotted Israel-senpai and replied back to Jenny,
"Its okay, just..-eh! "
Israel came over and Jenny left.
He came to tell me that he couldn't meet up with me after school due to practice and a check-in to the hospital. " I knew it! " , I fake-grinned and he frowned. But, it was okay since I was seeing him at the moment, knowing that I'd be missing him for the rest of the day.
We discussed about his dream, mainly revolving around mecha, technology, and Hatsune Miku.
Then we dropped to the main issue.
" I want you to do me a favor...I want you to stop putting yourself down."
I lamely argued back (which irritated him), but agreed (solution).
[passing bell to 3rd]
We hugged.
" I really..missed you."
" I missed you too."
Details : I pressed my body up against his, my chin rested against his shoulder.
We pulled away, bade farewell.
In the hallway, I turned around...
...called his name,
" Israel-senpai!",and said, " I love you. "
" I know you do", he replied, " I love you too "
I know you know
" 'I know you do' --- you said that last year! So rude! "
(referring to the time when I said, "I love you" and he simply responded with, " I know you do. ")
"Wha-- so, it just means that I know that you love me too."
"Whatever!Hmph!", I jokingly grinned back and walked to class.
[3rd pd]
Spent the time writing in my journal.
[4th pd]
Spent the time doing textbook work.
[Lunch]
Spent the time chatting with Han and Judy about the art of gymnastics, ballet, and ect. We also talked about dietary things-- like becoming a vegetarian.
Speaking of which, I received a few cookies from Judy, yay ^ u ^.
[Passing bell to 5th]
I walked too fast while kinda zoning out, which resulted in me tripping on a crack and scarping my knees. I immediately got up, " I gotta get to class", I got up, collected myself and dashed to class.
There wasn't a band aid suited for my left bleeding knee (the other was just scratched), so I pulled out a napkin from my bag and pressed it against my somewhat bloody knee.
[5th pd]
I worked with the napkin pressed down upon my left knee. Awesomely, I got my work done; plus, the bleeding stopped about 7 minutes into class. I was ready, with my stinging knees to walk in PE later.
Christine told me to get well soon :3
[6th pd]
Cross-country walk lap : first we walked behind the tennis court, around half of a field outside the track, around a fifth of the perimeter of the baseball field,and 2 laps on the track. I met up with Crystal-chan and Carolina-chan at the 2nd role call after our lap was done.
On our way back to the gym, I told Carolina about my habit of putting myself down, thinking from a narrow point of view, so narrow that I can't even see the good qualities of myself.
She told me, " Don't think like that, you're a very kind and caring person. OK, look-- you give stuff-gifts, origami to teachers, you say 'hello' to nearly everyone. You're a very special person."
I bobbed my head to her words. " Exactly the same things, Israel-senpai said."
...Scary.
I thanked her for the advice, glad to have her by my side.
In the gym, she read my journal (volume 12) as I wrote in volume 13.
[After school]
Cleaned up Ms.Sabado's classroom, she asked me if I had seen Israel yet and talked to him about the tutoring. I replied,
"Yep, he told me that he did the warm up and JUST the warm up today.
Well, that's a head start. I can do all of the work..and all he does is the warm up! Haha!"
She also told me that he had an 'F' in her class, and wishes him to get some help of some sort to raise his grade, ohh--she worries and I thought he had a 'C' or 'C-' of some sort.
After cleaning, I sat outside on a different bench,since there was a couple on the bench I normally sat on.
The air was calm, the sunlight glimmered through the leaves of the tree to my right. It was warm, I smiled at the sound of the chirping sparrows fluttering about. The wind shook hands with my side-bangs.
I left early at 4PM, my scraped knees were stinging with possible infection. Other than going the short way through a building, I went the slight-long way by walking from out of the parking lot to my left. It was only about 65 steps more than the short way. The sun shone brightly up ahead, the sky was utterly clear as evening was approaching.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
11/9/2011 - Afternoon
I went to clean&organize Ms.Sabado's classroom as usual. As I was organizing the desks, she said,
" Tammy, I talked to your friend, Israel today. I said to him--that he was a smart kid, but he was failing my class.
So I told him,
' You know what?Talk to your friend Tammy. She's in my class and she's a good kid and she's passing my class. You can go talk to her and ask her to help tutor you' "
I stood there and chuckled at the idea.
"He's a smart kid, but he just doesn't focus.", she commented.
After cleaning, I went outside and sat on the bench (same one from yesterday). I felt the wind lightly swirled about as I wrote in my journal. There were more sparrows chirping in delight today. It was..peaceful.
The clouds in the sky glided like whispers of spirits.
At 3:30PM, Mister Seeberger came out of the nearby building, he greeted me and we started talking about his acting course, literature, his holidays and ect. It was interesting :D
At 4:30PM, Kim-senpai and I chatted, then left campus with her at 4:43PM.
The sunset was glimmering today, under the sprays of light, oceanic clouds.
Kim and I engulfed the beauty of the sky.
It made me realize how badly I wanted to see Israel-senpai.
" Fuck..",I muttered in the depths of emotion.
I came to see that Kim was repeatedly pressing the crosswalk button. She was raping the button with her index finger. lol :B
" Tammy, I talked to your friend, Israel today. I said to him--that he was a smart kid, but he was failing my class.
So I told him,
' You know what?Talk to your friend Tammy. She's in my class and she's a good kid and she's passing my class. You can go talk to her and ask her to help tutor you' "
I stood there and chuckled at the idea.
"He's a smart kid, but he just doesn't focus.", she commented.
After cleaning, I went outside and sat on the bench (same one from yesterday). I felt the wind lightly swirled about as I wrote in my journal. There were more sparrows chirping in delight today. It was..peaceful.
The clouds in the sky glided like whispers of spirits.
At 3:30PM, Mister Seeberger came out of the nearby building, he greeted me and we started talking about his acting course, literature, his holidays and ect. It was interesting :D
At 4:30PM, Kim-senpai and I chatted, then left campus with her at 4:43PM.
The sunset was glimmering today, under the sprays of light, oceanic clouds.
Kim and I engulfed the beauty of the sky.
My apologies for the bad drawing, I tried my best.
It made me realize how badly I wanted to see Israel-senpai.
" Fuck..",I muttered in the depths of emotion.
I came to see that Kim was repeatedly pressing the crosswalk button. She was raping the button with her index finger. lol :B
11/9/2011 - My Dream
Italic words are the definitions that I got off from here : http://www.dreammoods.com/
--
The Dream :
It was Saturday, I had invited my friends over to hang out. My best friend would be arriving in the evening, another friend, Amy at noon (remembering that I gave her an invitation back in her birthday letter on Monday), and Israel-senpai was already here--sitting in the bedroom.
"12:19PM", I outside to get Amy. She called my name and told me that I was late. I sheepishly grinned and invited her inside, " Israel is also here, upstairs-", I began. She frowned. I somehow reassured her.
The dream fast forwarded.
I was in a crowded hallway, Israel-senpai was walking ahead. His back was turned away from me. I called out to him, he kept walking. Either I was being ignored or my voice couldn't reach him.
Ignored - represents that you are not paying enough attention to some aspect of yourself.Perhaps you are overlooking something. Alternatively, it may represent your waking experiences of being ignored by that person.
" Israel-senpai! Israel-senpai! "
The hallway faded in a dim orange color.
I was transported to the quad at school, where I was moving on wards to my next class. I had a strange feeling that Israel-senpai was looking for me, but I ignored it and dashed by when his back was turned.
" Why..did I do that.." I regretted it.
I awoke. I curled myself under the green fuzz of blankets. The hand of which holds the strong connecting bond between Israel-senpai and I trembled, I clenched it into a fist, clasped it with my left hand and held it close to my chest. I coiled my body even tighter.
I am in need of comfort. I feel weak. I am a weakling. I feel weak, because I am weak.
It was still pretty early, I closed my eyes and saw the pitch darkness where golden orange butterflies fluttered.
"I must be dreaming", I was and I awoke once more to the dim blueness.
Butterfly - symbolizes need to settle down; signifies creativity,joy, romance, spirituality. Experiencing a new way of thinking, or undergoing a transitional phase.
Orange - hope,friendliness, courtesy, generosity, liveliness, sociability, and an out-going nature. May want to expand your horizons and look into new interests.
I have come to the conclusion that I need to stop overlooking a certain thorn that I have and turn things around to get things back into 100% homeostasis. I feel poetic, here is a crappy poem I came up with in 5 minutes.
--
The Dream :
It was Saturday, I had invited my friends over to hang out. My best friend would be arriving in the evening, another friend, Amy at noon (remembering that I gave her an invitation back in her birthday letter on Monday), and Israel-senpai was already here--sitting in the bedroom.
"12:19PM", I outside to get Amy. She called my name and told me that I was late. I sheepishly grinned and invited her inside, " Israel is also here, upstairs-", I began. She frowned. I somehow reassured her.
The dream fast forwarded.
I was in a crowded hallway, Israel-senpai was walking ahead. His back was turned away from me. I called out to him, he kept walking. Either I was being ignored or my voice couldn't reach him.
Ignored - represents that you are not paying enough attention to some aspect of yourself.Perhaps you are overlooking something. Alternatively, it may represent your waking experiences of being ignored by that person.
" Israel-senpai! Israel-senpai! "
The hallway faded in a dim orange color.
I was transported to the quad at school, where I was moving on wards to my next class. I had a strange feeling that Israel-senpai was looking for me, but I ignored it and dashed by when his back was turned.
" Why..did I do that.." I regretted it.
I awoke. I curled myself under the green fuzz of blankets. The hand of which holds the strong connecting bond between Israel-senpai and I trembled, I clenched it into a fist, clasped it with my left hand and held it close to my chest. I coiled my body even tighter.
I am in need of comfort. I feel weak. I am a weakling. I feel weak, because I am weak.
It was still pretty early, I closed my eyes and saw the pitch darkness where golden orange butterflies fluttered.
"I must be dreaming", I was and I awoke once more to the dim blueness.
Butterfly - symbolizes need to settle down; signifies creativity,joy, romance, spirituality. Experiencing a new way of thinking, or undergoing a transitional phase.
Orange - hope,friendliness, courtesy, generosity, liveliness, sociability, and an out-going nature. May want to expand your horizons and look into new interests.
I have come to the conclusion that I need to stop overlooking a certain thorn that I have and turn things around to get things back into 100% homeostasis. I feel poetic, here is a crappy poem I came up with in 5 minutes.
My strength is my sword in battle,
when I feel weak and meek
my sword degraded,
I allow myself to be stabbed and suffocated,
as many times as there is hope to protect you
For though my corpse may be forgotten,
I sit and wait for you
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
11/8/2011 -- After School in the Afternoon
I have a lot of free time.
After 6th period, I moved on wards to clean up Ms.Sabado's classroom. Cleaning FTW. I finished cleaning in like 15 minutes,then I took my leave. I had a seat on the dark brown, metal bench in front of the oldest building on campus.
I didn't really feel like going home and being cooped up in the house, so I sat and leaned against the fluttering afternoon breezes of wind brushing up against my bare legs. It ran its fingers through my hair and brushed up against my cheeks. I crossed my legs and wrote in my journal, listening to the chirping of sparrows and the bristling leaves of the bush before me.
Far later, the rays of sunlight were settling, the sun was going down.
I checked my watch, it was 4:30pm, I checked the sky, the wind playfully tugged at my side-bangs. I uncrossed my legs, heaved a relaxed breath of air, " Ten more minutes.. ", I thought to myself.
Ten minutes passed, I left campus. Without the surrounding buildings of school campus, I saw the majority of the setting sky with the sun being blocked out by townhouses. The seagulls soared above like butterfly silhouettes.
It looked like this :
However, no matter how relaxed the moment was, the feeling I tried covering remains. Its no use until I deal with it.
After 6th period, I moved on wards to clean up Ms.Sabado's classroom. Cleaning FTW. I finished cleaning in like 15 minutes,then I took my leave. I had a seat on the dark brown, metal bench in front of the oldest building on campus.
I didn't really feel like going home and being cooped up in the house, so I sat and leaned against the fluttering afternoon breezes of wind brushing up against my bare legs. It ran its fingers through my hair and brushed up against my cheeks. I crossed my legs and wrote in my journal, listening to the chirping of sparrows and the bristling leaves of the bush before me.
Far later, the rays of sunlight were settling, the sun was going down.
I checked my watch, it was 4:30pm, I checked the sky, the wind playfully tugged at my side-bangs. I uncrossed my legs, heaved a relaxed breath of air, " Ten more minutes.. ", I thought to myself.
Ten minutes passed, I left campus. Without the surrounding buildings of school campus, I saw the majority of the setting sky with the sun being blocked out by townhouses. The seagulls soared above like butterfly silhouettes.
It looked like this :
Sadly, I do not have a camera, so I drew this on photoshop out of memory.
However, no matter how relaxed the moment was, the feeling I tried covering remains. Its no use until I deal with it.
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